Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The grand kids think I'm evil

We have granddaughters living with us because we just don't feel we really need that motor home and the chance to retire in Key West.

I lie to them on a daily basis and go to great lengths to cause them great humiliation . I like my fun. Don't judge me.

I want them to be prepared for life and to keep them on their toes. There'll be no need for trust in their fellow human beings when they grow up. No siree bob.

We spend a lot time together on the weekends if we can . It has become a sport. One of the things we like to do is spend time at the parks for the thrill rides.The girls are looking for fun, I am looking for a heart attack on a ride or a stroke.

Unless there is screaming involved, or some kind of dry heaving , they are generally not interested in checking certain attractions out.
I want to include some education during the outings because , lets face it, I like to screw with their fun.

Enter, The Hall of Presidents. A thrill ride it ain't.

This really is a fascinating exhibition with a lot of historical information and amazing animatronics on U.S. history. You sit in some very nice chairs and relax and watch a documentary. I think the minimum age this is targeted for is 50.

For eight years I have tried to figure out how to get them in there. The Innocents, their mom, My Love and I sit down to eat. The answer was so obvious. The lying started...over lunch and took on a life of its own.

Me: I thought I was never going to stop screaming on that ride !
The Innocent ones: What ride Grandma ?
Me : The Hall of Presidents !

Dead silence and stares.


Me: You have to check it out. First it looks really nice when you go in, but what's behind the blue velvet curtains is going to scare you. The dark tunnels and cold air. ( Think coal mines here).

More dead silence but eyes are getting wide.

The Innocents: Nah uh.
Me : Yeah huh .
Sparkling conversationalists we are not.

Me: First you get in a coal car, it has a gigantic Presidential head on it , kinda like on a pirate ship. There is fog everywhere.

Mouths drop open.

Me: You start moving into the dark tunnel ( I have lost control here and cannot stop ) there is super cold air , it smells dank. The screaming from the people in the car ahead is fading away. The car rolls through the Revolutionary War and Civil War. It almost made me deaf from the gunfire.

Eyes are glazing over with visions.

Me, ( they have become mutes at this point) : the car starts going up a little and you hang on because there are no belts to hold you in your seat. And then ... then you start to roll downhill so fast that it pushes you against your seat and if you put your hands up in the air it feels like they will be ripped off !

The Innocents : Aww man !!! How come you never told us about it ?!?!?
We're going on that ride next !!! Grandma, you guys are so mean for not telling us about it ! We're not gonna believe you anymore ! You just don't want us to have fun !

Me: Wait ! There's more ! After the wars you roll down into the darkness, you're sinking into the " Depression ". You see nothing but dry desert and ....

I lost it this point , they were drooling ,I couldn't keep it up. They ran off to get on " the ride of their life". We just sat there and we laughed and we laughed ...



4 comments:

  1. You are so mean. I love this story!

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  2. Thank you Gladys . Please know that no children were harmed in the process...not physically anyway :-)

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  3. I loved this! Reminded me of the fun things Dan and I did to torture....I mean, to prepare our own children. We should chat sometime, I'm sure we could swap some pretty funny tales.

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  4. Thank you! We do have to meet one day. As for the funny tales, the kids say its all a leading to long term therapy bills...

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